Hylain Sun
by Lady Salmakia
Summary: New Issue! Today's Headlines: Beyond Necrophelia: Redead Swinger Clubs and Princess Zelda Wears Men's Underwer (Note: Read Chapter 2 first. They're out of order and I'm too lazy to change it)
1. First Issue

a/n: Salmakia's posting again? Whoa. whoawhoawhoawhoa...dude. Just another exciting issue of Hyrule's original and most popular tabloid. Hope you like it!   
  
Beyond Necrophilia: Redead Swinger Clubs  
  
Hyrule has always seemed a moral and prosperous kingdom with upstanding citizens, but did you know that just below that unimpeachable surface lurks a dark and disturbing, literally underground culture? That's right. The Hylain Sun has sent its reporters deep into the Shadow Temple at great personal risk to bring you this frightening and exclusive story.  
Redead. These living dead who are the creatures of our nightmares are more than what they seem. Sure, they will quickly suck the life out of any living being that comes too close, but did you know that they are also hip swingers? They have a thriving culture based on free love. In the eternal night of the Shadow Temple strobe lights flash and disco music throbs through huge speakers. Everybody parties in every way possible! It is a hip scene that rivals even Termina's swinging period.   
"I would have never believed that the dead could party the way they do if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes," reports a Hylain Sun editor. "There was some really kinky stuff going on down there. I saw Redead take themselves apart and exchange limbs with one another and then do it half an hour later with someone else. It's really wild."  
Unfortunately, our reporters were unable to get any quotes from the Redead themselves because if the living dead knew that the living had invaded their strong hold, they wouldn't have been living for long. Besides, there is no known translation for the shrieking they call a language. However, our exclusive photos are some of the best ever taken of the dead race. We have dedicated an entire two-page spread to these fascinating prints, so you, our readers, may satisfy your morbid curiosity.  
  
Hero's Trial Scheduled for Wednesday  
  
As Hyrule's courts gear up for the most controversial trail in years, private citizens wait anxiously for the results. The Hylain Sun's polls show that 36% of citizens believe that Link should not be imprisoned, and that he will recover with time. 21% think he deserves the death penalty. 5% are undecided. 2% want to see him get together with Princess Zelda and the rest of you obviously don't read the news because you answered: "What trial?", or "What about that thing with Zelda wearing men's underwear?"   
Saria, Link's long-time friend and now attorney is optimistic about getting Link off with minimum consequences. She gave us this comment: "Link's fine now. He just...wasn't thinking straight, besides, he killed everyone he hates. I don't think he even wants to kill anyone else." She plans to use a temporary insanity defense when the trail comes, and will rely heavily on Link's reputation as a Hero, and if that doesn't work she can always fall back on his good looks.  
Princess Zelda, who will be representing for the prosecution, hopes to see Link imprisoned for life. She doesn't think he will recover from this malady. "He's obviously a psychopath. He has no remorse. When he was told that Navi's remains were found, he just laughed hysterically and asked if he could eat the corpse. We, of course, didn't let him. He's a sick, sick young man."  
How will the trial go? Stay tuned to the Hylain Sun for up-to-the-minute information and exclusive interviews as the procedures go on.  
Fish Crisis  
  
Zoras won't sell fish. That's the latest from Zora's Domain, and bad news for local seafood lovers. Ever since Lord Jabu-Jabu was killed by the Hero of Time, the Zoran Race has been looking in every fish they see for his reincarnation. That's why they won't sell any to the outsiders. All fish in Hyrule are being kept in Zora's Fountain in hopes that one will grow into the gargantuan proportions of the Zora's protective deity. Princess Ruto gave us this comment: "We're waiting for Lord Jabu-Jabu's return. Don't be angry with us because you have no faith." Many Zora's wait anxiously for the return of their god, holding candlelight vigils and extended prayer sessions. Some have adopted a bizarre form of dress that will supposedly lure Jabu-Jabu back to Hyrule. Are the Zora's becoming a cult? Maybe, but one thing's for sure, we'll be short on fish for a while. The Hylain Sun gives its faithful readers this tip: look around in holes, and bring a bottle.  
  
Princess Zelda Does Wear Men's Underwear  
  
That's right. The men's clothing discovered in Princess Zelda's bedroom at Hyrule Castle do, in fact, belong to her, and she wears them. The Hylain Sun has exclusive pictures of her in full-drag regalia. Her male name is Sheik, and apparently she was wearing the men's clothing as a disguise during Gannodorf's reign, and though the Master of Evil has been defeated, Zelda continues to wear the disguise, mainly in drag clubs in Termina. She apparently took second at a competition last week at the infamous Bomber's Club. In first was a drag-queen with purple hair who goes by the name Kafine. Our insiders say that that Kafine is really Kafi, the son of Clock Town's Mayor, who is actually engaged to be married. What will his finance say? Stay tuned to the Hylain Sun as we investigate this exciting story.  
  
Moon to Fall in Termina  
  
Maybe Chicken Little was right, that is, if early reports from the nearby land of Termina are correct. Meteorologists say that it appears that the moon is getting larger, a sure sign that it's getting closer, and therefore, likely to fall. They calculate that it would fall directly onto Clock Town, Termina's major city. They think that it will even fall on the night that Termina's famed Festival of Time is to take place.  
Our reporters have gotten some exclusive interviews with the residents of Clock Town, as well as inhabitants of other regions of Termina. First, we have an official statement released by the Doutour, the mayor of Clock Town: "We really don't know what is going to happen. I think they want to evacuate the town just to be safe, but others want to be on with the festival. I have a feeling we'll be in negotiations for a long time." While indecision reigns with the town's officials, private citizens have much stronger opinions. The town's banker had this to tell us: "I'm not leaving. Someone might want to make a deposit." Some will want to stay, and others want to evacuate. The entire staff at the Stock Pot Inn has plans to seek refuge at Romani Ranch, Termina's main supplier of milk. It is also where Chateau Romani, the vintage milk with supposedly magical qualities, is produced.  
Opinions are divided inside and outside of Clock Town. While our reporters were not willing to brave the mountain winter to get a comment from any Gorons, they did spend a day at the beach talking to Zoras, and, amazingly enough, a Gerudo Pirate. Japas, a member of the famed Zora band, the Indigo-go's, told us this: "Uh, like...something's up. The water is weird and we're not practicing. And dude, have you like seen the moon? It's eyes are red like. I bet it's high. [he laughs] I wonder who'd deal to the moon. Dude, I would." The Gerudo Pirate, oddly enough, didn't say anything to us that was fit to print and avoided the camera quite skillfully, but we got this comment from a local fisherman: "Them pirates is slippery. I've been trying to get a good picture of one for years."  
So, will the moon fall in Termina? That's a question no one seems to have a good answer to, but one thing is clear, Termina is need of a Hero. Unfortunately, it has none of it's own and Hyrule's own Hero of Time is unavailable for the lending. (See page one for the continuing story on his trial) Who will save Termina? Stay tuned to the Hylain Sun for more on this fascinating story.  
  
  
Classified Ads  
  
Goron seeks new home for housetrained Dodongo. Must have experience with dragon handling  
  
Gerudo Female looking for roommates, any age, to share studio apartment. Must be willing to cross Haunted Wasteland.   
  
House for sale in Kakariko. Make an offer, but must be willing to live with spider webs  
  
Sell me something please! I will buy anything, but I'm especially fond of bugs and fish  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Personal Ads  
  
DGM ISO Hylain Guard to share evenings in Dodogo's Cavern  
  
Sexy, suave KM ISO GF for naughty activates and hopscotch  
  
Big, hungry GoM ISO GoF with big rocks to eat  
  
SZ Princess still ISO HM for LTR and Marriage  
  
Abbreviations  
  
Go Goron Z Zora G Gerudo H Hylain K Kokiri  
  
M Male F Female S Single D Divorced Wi Widowed  
  
LTR Long Term Relationship ISO In Search Of   
  
(Review for me? Please...or I set my tribe of Deku Scrubs on you!) 


	2. Second Issue

a/n: I've never really wanted to write Zelda fanfiction before. (I don't even read it very often) I just kinda got inspired...tell me if you want another issue. (Link's mental health---or lack of it---really intrigues me for some reason.)  
  
Disclamer: I don't own Zelda, or Nintendo or anything. If I did, Zelda would be out kicking everyone's butt. (Why else call it The Legend of ZELDA?)  
  
Hero of Time Becomes Homicidal  
  
Link, Hyrule's own Hero of Time, reportedly lost his control this week. The   
seventeen year old went on a killing spree and is responsible for nine deaths. Among   
his victims were Mido, the boss of the Kokiri, Raru, the Sage of Light, King Zora, Lord   
Jabu-Jabu, a Kakariko Carpenter and a small tribe of Deku Scrubs. Link is also   
reported to have killed his own fairy, Navi by suffocation. He put the fairy in a bottle and   
tossed it over the waterfall in the Geurdo Valley. A team of Zoras has been sent to   
search for the remains in Lake Hylia.  
  
Though the Hero himself has been locked in the Temple of Time, and was   
unavailable for comment, his friend Saria, the Sage of the Forest, who will be   
representing him in court next week released the following statement. "Link has been   
under a lot of stress. He is not responsible for his actions."  
  
The Hylain Sun, however, was able to get several exclusive interviews that may lead us   
to an understanding of the Hero's psyche. The first available for comment was Link's   
own horse, Epona. Epona has known Link since he played a song for her when he was   
ten. Seven years later, he released her from bondage under Ingo at the Lon Lon Ranch   
and she has been serving him faithfully ever since.  
  
"Transportation! That's all I was to him, transportation! He didn't understand my needs.   
He didn't understand how complete I felt when he was riding me, how soothed his music   
made me. He used me to see his girlfriends, or hunt poes."  
  
Link had many girlfriends, one of which was the princess of the Zora's herself, Ruto,   
who organized the search in Lake Hylia for Navi. Princess Ruto became engaged to   
Link when he was ten. She has told us what she thinks of the engagement now.  
  
"I have broken all ties with Link. I think he only became engaged to me because he   
wanted the Spiritual Stone of Water, the Zora's Sapphire. I am outraged that he killed   
my father, after all we Zoras have done for him."  
  
Also willing to speak with us was Malon of the Lon Lon Ranch. Malon, a pretty   
redhead, was also involved romantically with Link. They bonded seven years ago over   
Epona. Malon believes that she might have been responsible for pushing Link over the   
edge.  
  
"I called him 'Fairy Boy' when we were kids. He had a fairy. He was a boy. Why   
shouldn't that work? I didn't know what I was saying. It's not like I called him that when   
we were older, ok so I did, but he was obviously gay. I think he had so many girlfriends to try and cover up his true feelings. I often caught him staring longingly at some of the Hylain guards in their tight pants and shiny armor.  
  
"But I'm not completely responsible for him snapping and going all kill-happy on us. He made a living killing bad guys, that's enough to make anyone snap. I know he was teased mercilessly when he lived in the Kokiri forest, and he wasn't in touch with his feelings at all. He never communicated, just swung his sword around. At most, he gave a little grunt and his fairy did all the talking. She was annoying too. Also, Link was exposed to Redead as a child and he skipped puberty. It's Zelda's fault. She manipulated him and made him do her dirty work for her, then she broke his heart. The rest of us just wanted him to be happy. She just wanted him for his skills."   
  
Princess Zelda, who was also involved with Link, does not believe she is responsible in the least. She will be representing Hyrule in the Hero's criminal trial next week, and will be pushing for lifetime imprisonment in the Sacred Realm with Gannodorf. If she succeeds, Link will be allowed weekly visits from a licensed psychologist in an attempt to help him recover.  
  
  
Nabaroo and Darunina Engaged  
  
They say celebrity marriages never last, but the Sage of Spirit and the Sage of Fire don't agree. Nabaroo, the Gerudo Queen, said "I do" to Darunia, Big Brother of the Gorons. The wedding is planned for July in Dodongo's Cavern with an open reception at the Desert Colossus. All are welcome who can brave the Haunted Wasteland. Link, Darunia's son from a previous marriage, is taking his father's engagement very well. Link hopes that his idol and namesake, Link the Hero of Time, will be cleared and released in time for the ceremony.  
  
Local Woman Believes She is the Incarnation of Nayru  
  
If you see a rather large woman dressed in a toga and wearing a golden circlet on her head, most likely it is Hildebrand, a woman native to Hyrule Castle Town. Hildebrand, who has eluded capture, has been running mad for the past week. Authorities say they would have caught her by now, but she appears to be quite harmless and there are more severe cases of madness to deal with at this time. (See page 1 for story on the Hero of Time.) The woman started believing that was is the incarnation of Nayru, the goddess of love, last Tuesday and has been spreading love ever since.  
  
Friends say that Hildebrand was never the same after the death of Richard, her beloved puppy, three years ago. The puppy won many contests and most Hylains believed him to be a superior dog. He was Hildebrand's source of companionship and comfort, and also her claim to fame. If you see this woman, please approach her gently and try to lead her to any Hylain guard, who will take her for proper treatment.  
  
Princess Zelda Wears Men's Underwear?  
  
Yesterday, a Castle maid found several pairs of men's boxers and an undershirt in Princess Zelda's dresser. The maid became suspicious after the Princess requested specifically for that drawer not to be cleaned. Further inspection of the bedroom revealed more men's clothing, mainly in the fashion worn by the near-extinct Shiekah race.  
  
The King and Queen are extremely worried and have been urging the Princess to seek consoling. She has refused, and would not discuss the matter further with them. Zelda herself gave us this comment.  
  
"Those clothes are part of a bigger picture than anyone who will read this can guess, but they saved my life."  
  
How could men's boxers save a princess's life? Keep reading the Hylain Sun for details as we investigate this interesting story.  
  
Hylain Games  
  
Last week, Hyrule saw it's first Hylain games in ten years. The event, staged in celebration of the defeat of Gannondorf. Among the exciting events, were synchronized swimming, sword fighting, down-hill skiing with out snow and horseback archery. The winner of each event was awarded a gold medal by Princess Zelda herself. The events will be held every year now that peace has been restored to Hyrule.  
  
While the Zoras took all in the water events, it was the Hero of Time who really shined. Not only did he beat every Stalfo and Gerudo guard who he took on in the heavy-weight sword fighting category (A lizalfo named Liz took the medal in light-weight), he also made 1000 points in horseback archery. Link made no comment except to grunt at our representative and his fairy, Navi, told her rudely to leave. A goron who goes by "the rock" took the medal for wrestling and down-hill skiing without snow. Both events took place on Death Mountain.  
  
  
  
  
  
Personal Ad's  
  
SZP seeks SHM for LTR and marriage. Inquire in Zora's Domain.  
  
SKM ISO tall, fit SHF who enjoys water-skiing and hiking for friendship and sparing.  
  
Attractive GF ISO SGo for group hugs.  
  
SZM ISO female synchronized swimming partner for next year's Hyrule Water Games.  
  
SGoM seeks GF for fine dining, long walks in the mountains and camping by the lake.  
  
Abbreviations  
  
Go Goron Z Zora G Gerudo H Hylain K Kokiri  
  
M Male F Female S Single   
  
LTR Long Term Relationship ISO In Search Of   
  
(Review for me please? ::swings around a plastic sword:: I'll get you with my Blinkin' technique!)   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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